So long... It has been nice knowing you!

Yep, its over...  I lost the battle...

The girls have officially disappeared!  You ladies know what I am talkin' about!  The boobies have officially left the building!  I had this realization when as shopping for a sports bra for my 11 year old daughter, I saw this really cute underwire bra in her section of the store...  low and behold, at a 34A, it fit me!  And I mean it BARELY fit me!  It made me look at myself and I can honestly say that without any type of support, my pectorial muscles are more prominent then the girls are!  Grose, I know...  but I just had to share!  hahaha  Maybe someday, I will invest in some new ones (I know that Lance wouldn't compain about that!), but for now, I am not worried about it.  I just laugh every time I look down.  Thank goodness for padded bras and bikini tops!

One good thing from this (ok, there really isn't anything good from it, but I am going with it to keep me sane) is that I know I am dropping bodyfat.  Why my body has to deplete every bit of it from the girls and not from my hips and ass, I just don't understand!  Why not pull fat from where you store the most of it, not the least amount!  So yes, upper body over all is getting really lean.  I love seeing the vascularity when I am training upper body and can see more and more of the outline of my pacemaker as well, because there is nothing but skin covering it now!  It kind of looks like I have this wierd growth sticking out from my chest, but oh well...  it is me and I don't mind it at all!  I will compete with all my battle scars! :)

Things have been crazy busy.  Working out 6 days a week now (morning fasted cardio, weight training in the evening) and still managing the kids schedules.  I had my first travel experience while on prep and although it started out great, I had a lapse, which initially really brought me down, but then I ended up with the best week I have had since I started prep (at least I think so).  I think that I have finally figured out how to do this, be happy and follow my plan and get to the end result that I am looking for.  Ultimately, I am just trying to see what I can do.  How much drive and focus do I really have?  Is this something that I can do and still be happy, along with my family, etc.  They have been so supportive, but yesterday, as I spent an afternoon with my daughter shopping, she asked me how long I would be doing this.  She is so supportive and is one of my main cheerleaders, but when she asked if I will be always going to the gym every night of the week, I could see that she misses me (and I miss her too!).  She too is busy 3 nights of the week at dance, but on her nights home, I am always rushing out the door to get my workout in.  I am working on getting more sleep, so I have avoided working out after they are in bed, but ultimately, I still only see them for a bit in the evening.  I told her after competition season was over, I would go back to my early morning workouts, that don't effect her schedule, and I would be home in the evenings more.  She was happy with this answer, but it was still a difficult converstation to have with her.  It makes me feel very selfish to be doing this, but ultimately, you have to be if you want to accomplish this.  Trying to have the right balance, makes things interesting, but we are doing good.  I had a cheat meal last night, and we had a great family dinner out, ate some good food and just enjoyed each others company.

I guess I should go back to my lapse.  Overall, I have done really well in following my meal plans.  I have had very few instances where I went off plan, and I always made sure that I got in all of my meals, no matter what time of the day I woke up, etc.  So, my first trip with Trinity to a dance convention came up.  I did everything I needed to be ready...  I had all my meals prepared (as seen here):



Meal prep for Friday, Saturday & half Sunday

All I had to do was eat them, right?  I did really well the whole drive up.  I had another mom/daughter ride along with us, so when we stopped to eat, they happened to want whatever was at the truck stop and so I was able to use the microwave in the convenience store and ate with them.  Everything was good until Saturday afternoon.  Saturday was my carb day.  Trinity was at dance and while a lot of other moms were headed out to go shopping, I was headed to the gym.  I found an Anytime Fitness in the area, so I knew I would be able to do my complete workout.

Admiring the pretty dumbbells at Anytime Fitness - Ogden, UT

It was my back/shoulder day and after a good workout, I had my shake and (3) rice cakes on the drive back to the hotel.  I had a bit of time to kill before I needed to pack up Trinity's dinner and my dinner to take over to the convention for her break and that is when it happened.  I wasn't even hungry, but alone in the hotel with all these snacks and goodies I slipped up.  Kashi Go Lean Crunch (the one with the yummy berries!).  It's a carb day, right?  I figure one little handful won't hurt anything.  The problem is, once you taste it, you can't stop.  I literally had this internal conversation with myself to not eat it...  follow the plan... but one more handful won't hurt...  no, you aren't even hungry!  It was the ugliest conversation that I have ever had internally!  A little Kashi turned into some Fig Neuton Thin Crisp cookies, then more Kashi.  I finally realized that I needed to get out of that room and be around people.  So, I packed my dinner as well as Trinity's and set out for the convention early.  I would just have to eat mine cold.  Once I was back around people (even strangers, weird...) I was fine.  I had no inkling to dig into Trinity's dinner or snacks and so I just waited for her class to get out.  Now, most of you are thinking...  that wasn't so bad?  Well, Kashi and Fig Newton's aren't exactly a low calorie food.  I don't even want to try to figure out how much I ate.  All I know is that I was so mad at myself and had set back what had been a really good week up until that point.  So, angry and disappointed at myself, we drove home Sunday.  When I went to training that following Monday with Shawna, I couldn't lie.  I told her that I slipped.  I knew I probably wouldn't get a big lecture, because we are beyond that.  I know what I need to do to be successful and they have given me all the tools I need to follow.  I don't want to quit!  I want to see this through and I know I can do it!

With that, the following week was 100%!  Food and water and I realized what a sense of accomplishment I had and how great it made me feel.  I know that just sticking to the plan, at the end of the day, I feel good knowing that I did everything that I could possibly do to be successful.  Nothing to feel guilty about, nothing to stress about and then it just felt like the fat was melting off me.  Then, I get a cheat meal and I went into binge mode.  I kept all the food within the 'meal', but boy, was it a meal!  I ate so much that I gave myself a stomach ache and couldn't get to sleep that night.  I thought my stomach was going to explode!  Thanks to that little cheat meal, I was back up 4lbs!  I am on the rebound though and back down 2lbs in the two days following, so I know all will be good.  I just need to learn a little self control if/when I have another cheat meal.  I have a few plans in mind and my family to help me keep under control!  I don't want to develop some sort of binging habit, which in the end, would be extremely unhealthy.

Wow...  that was a long one and I have been working on this post for a few days now! :)  Has anyone else had that internal struggle?  It is crazy how easily we can justify things to ourselves, but knowing how I want to feel at the end of the day has helped me stay on track and avoid even the littelest of temptations that are always around.

This last Saturday, I was finally able to make it to a group posing practice.  I practice on my own quite a bit, but it was so great seeing a lot of the other competitors and see how far they had come in 2 weeks.  Here is my latest progress picture from that posing practice and a comparison picture from about 6 weeks ago.

All black suit: 3/16/13 - 128lbs (pre-cheat meal!)
Other: ~ 6 weeks prior ~+10 lbs

I am anxious to continue to really work on my lower body and glutes.  I am training lower body twice a week and with the cardio, I am hoping it will all come together by show date.  I have already seen a difference and it is quite exciting.  7 1/2 weeks to go!